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What a year that was*

  • May 17th, 2015
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*Or rather two years. I always cringe when looking back on the shit I’ve written on social media and my websites. It’s like a never ending Blunder Years thread. It’s like awkwardly watching Talking Heads’ “Stop Making Sense” for the first time.

What a sappy, tormented soul I was when I last updated this site. Then again, I was unemployed for two years, struggling to start a career in a terrible job market and mourning someone who (in retrospect) was totally not worth my time. Depression does that and I was totally in denial. It’s one thing to have a melancholy personality, it’s another to stop functioning.

So anyway, how has the last two years been to me? Onwards and upwards? Well, yes. Resoundingly yes.

Within a month of my last post, I met someone who is amazingly persistent, good natured and has strengths where I have flaws. Two months later I started a Masters degree in Human Resource Management and Industrial Relations, which helped bring me back into the real world. You know, the one that contains routine. In August of that year, I was hired in an ASX 50 company that I’d wanted to get back into since I was in intern in 2011.

Now I’ve been living in a city apartment for nearly two years with my partner, I’ve finished my Masters and I’m eyeing off my next degree. Work has provided me with much needed social re-adjustment and I’ve become slightly less of a shut-in. I’m much more confident and happy these days. I have a sense of worth and purpose.

If I could have written my past self a short guide and should he have not been cynical of it (haha, yeah right), it would read as follows:

  1. Get off your arse and visit some friends in person. It’s too easy to become a recluse and it’s not good for the mind.
  2. Stop listening to the saddest (or is that sadist?) version of ‘Hallelujah’ and insert some happy things into your life. Otherwise it’s like feeding an addiction to sadness.
  3. Take up any job. Having a shitty job while working towards a better one is an infinitely better solution than locking yourself in your bedroom for two years, cut off from the world with no money, routine or sense of achievement.

Back to the real world for now.

https://youtu.be/fzvIo-RU9v8

Onwards and Upwards

  • February 2nd, 2013
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This year is going to be a year of progress. I know of it, not because I’m wishing for some sky-fairy to make my life brilliant, but because I’ve put in quite a bit of work into making this year better than last.

I’ve applied for my masters degree and I received an offer. I’m now enrolled for a Master of Commerce (Human Resource Management and Industrial Relations) degree starting in April. A bit early considering that I graduated not two years ago,  but the job market for graduates is crawling and I don’t intend to waste more time while searching for work. Something that I particularly enjoy about this situation is that this year I’m in a win-win position; either I get a job, or I get a degree (or both) and either option is a solid step forward in my career.

This year I’m also networking. If only I networked as well with other people as I do systems. It’s something I’m working on and to make things better, I’m building a personal HR site, with my portfolio, a display of my projects and a link to my resume. Why not? After all, I do HRIS for fun in my free time, somebody might like what they see. Either way, I’m building my personal brand.

I just want to say that a few more times before the term becomes cliché later on in the year. I know it’s going to become a bad cliché, I can feel it. My buzzword sense is tingling.

PERSONAL BRAND. PERSONAL BRAND. PERSONAL BRAND.

There. You heard it first here folks.

Actually, I first heard the term while at my internship for a large Australian property management company. They had this dude from IT who wanted to say his piece about what he feels is important in career building and he talked about the concept of personal brand. It stuck with me, as I’ve always done by best to ensure that people know me for my performance, problem solving and reliability. Those things mean a lot to me and I remember the individual saying “If it’s not going up, it’s going down”. Maintaining an image is an uphill battle, it’s not something that is set in stone and I still appreciate the talk that man gave.

Also special was a few meaningful words from a intellectual woman in Performance Management, who I had the opportunity to meet one-on-one. Her insights were about staying true to your career aspirations and ambitions to succeed. To basically not let other people or yourself pour shit over it and stay true to yourself. Also, that other people enable your success and to be appreciative of others. I’ve always been the type that makes the most of opportunities and never cries victim to circumstance, but with that said, it is true that others open those doors in some shape and form and without them, you wouldn’t have the opportunities to capitalise on in the first place. I found her candid words impacting and I’ll always remember them.

So anyway, this year I’m rolling out both an LMS (Learning Management System) and a PMS (Performance Management System) on my server to experiment on. It’s going to be a lot of fun. Projects to keep me sane, yay!

Still Alive

  • January 1st, 2013
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Surprise! The world didn’t end after all! Who da thunk it?

Now to find something else irrational to fear.

The Final Countdown… Not.

  • December 21st, 2012
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Getting excited for a non-event, hooray!

Time and Date have been nice enough to develop a quaint countdown. Especially humorous is the demo button which shows what will happen in the last three seconds; the screen shakes, whirls and then a fake 503 error (connection lost) pops up.  Naughty… I love it!

http://www.timeanddate.com/countdown/maya

  • December 14th, 2012
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Currently procrastinating. I should be playing games. Seriously, who procrastinates from playing games?

We act as though comfort and luxury were the chief requirements of life, when all that we need to make us happy is something to be enthusiastic about.

— Albert Einstein

Requirements of life

  • December 13th, 2012
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Misanthropy

  • December 13th, 2012
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Yesterday I had an introductory conversation with a new acquaintance. Discussing aspirations I rattled off my goals of becoming a highly resourceful and knowledgeable HR practitioner, a HR executive and a philanthropist. That I wanted to improve the working conditions in third world countries by establishing a foundation that educates and supplies low to nil cost alternative practices and methods, and that I wanted to establish a foundation for providing business resources and mentoring for LGBT youth with the intention of restoring the self confidence and self worth of individuals, some of which who would otherwise be very competitive business people.

My acquaintance remarked that those aspirations seemed quite “feeling” and that I wasn’t the robot I make out to be. Surprised, I hit the go-to button and started a few lines about it being productive and efficient.

Now that the conversation is over and I can dedicate more thought to introspection, it’s come across as a contrast. I love contrast, in fact, I have an obsession with opposites. Perhaps it’s because many parts of myself are polar opposites. Anyway, the contrast was this:

My perspective on humanity normally swings between apathy and misanthropy. Why is it that my goals are to help society?

Good question. After some thought, the answer is surprisingly simple and elegant: The same reason why I feel misanthropy towards humanity in the first place.

Injustice.

One of the core tenants to who I am as a person and the fibre of my being, is that I despise injustice. I find it revolting. Some of my most disproportionate emotional reactions have stemmed from either experiencing, witnessing or learning about, injustice. Part of me wishes to help alleviate the repercussions of some of these injustices, the other considers that if I were in such a position and did nothing, that I would be unjust in my failure to act. The world is full of people in positions of power who do nothing and I suppose I don’t wish to be one of them.

With that said however, there have been times in my life where if I were presented with a shiny red button connected to a doomsday device, I probably would have pressed it. Not that I would want to commit such a violent act, but to stop them all together. I suppose it would be an opportune moment for one of my close friends would rock up and then ask me “Who are you to make that kind of decision?”, and I would slink back to my cave to ponder, no doubt while they figure out how to deconstruct my DoomCannon TM. Although I doubt I’d call it DoomCannon, more like Penance.

Then again, in another stream of thought. Would it not be unjust to punish everyone, including those who are not to be, for the acts of others? Would that not make me infinitely worse than than the people who commit the acts that I wish to end? Passing such judgement on the rabid, selfish nature of humanity, rarely seen in other species (not in self preservation, but hedonistic), even for the sake of preventing future misery would preclude all possibility of future redemption. A hypothetical destruction of humanity isn’t ending the darkness, it’s removing the light. Where is the contrast I love so dearly, then?

Hallelujah

  • December 12th, 2012
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Jeff Buckley – Hallelujah.

Music has a strange effect on me in that it can evoke an emotional response with greater ease than anything else. This song is one of the few that can actually get under my skin.

I suppose for me, it’s because I can relate many aspects of the song to myself and it describes one of my past relationships. A very special guy, an INTJ, we understood each other. It was a powerful, bittersweet experience.

Motivation, Procrastination and Efficiency

  • December 12th, 2012
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Motivation is an odd thing. For me, it comes in powerful bursts which are normally accompanied by a white-hot interest in something. When motivated, I have an unmatched attention-span, I will be totally absorbed in what I am doing, time will pass and I won’t notice. It’s almost like obsession. The subject of my fixation might not have any practical purpose, or sometimes it may have had a purpose and I’ve exceeded the required knowledge or skill and I simply continue learning because I find it interesting.

Suddenly, for no apparent reason, I may lose my interest and my motivation disappears. Attempting to continue pursuing said subject becomes a frustrating experience. If I were to write about something, I could literally get to the point of screaming at my hand to write. I have many unfinished projects which are quite advanced, far beyond just “necessary” constructions, but left aside as my interest moved onto other things. If the task has an obligation connected to it, I procrastinate to the extreme. Sometimes, I can waste several hours thinking of the most efficient way to do a five minute task.

When working however, motivation doesn’t ever enter the equation. An odd sense of discipline takes over and I am ruthlessly efficient. I work like a robot, not needing time for breaks, often eating at my desk and rarely socialising. Some tasks I don’t find interesting, but I enjoy them nonetheless as I continue to find efficiency wherever possible and lower the execution time of a task. I literally conduct time and motion studies on everything.

For instance:

In one case I found myself framing long term service certificates, as I had wrapped up a project early and offered to help out the admin (I cannot stand being idle). I would organise the frames, certificates, rubbish, tools on the desk and refine the art. From the location and orientation of each object, to even the side the certificate was facing at any particular time to make it most efficient to pick up and place.

Funnily enough, these actions have odd social consequences; in temporary working environments, I often receive praise from managers for slashing the task execution time,  and hostility from peers of whom the task usually belongs. In the above case, I managed to complete the work of two permanent staff members, in half the time, by myself. The admin however, were not pleased. They were not interested in finding out how I managed to do the task so efficiently. They did not even thank me for doing work that they were too lazy to do and getting heat over. Hmm.

Heart Disease

  • December 11th, 2012
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Relationships are always a difficult subject for me. I have little to no social needs, I’m psychologically independent and I don’t seek anyone for validation. I’ve never been initially attracted to any of my partners, not physically or even intellectually, as it takes a stupid amount of time to decide if I actually like them as a person, let alone a relationship candidate. It’s not something that is forced, anything remotely appearing like an attempt to woo is shot down; it’s just a realisation that “I find this person compatible, and project long term sustainability”.

The way into my heart – if you could call it that – is through my head, and it’s not just a raw intellectual quotient either, it’s a deep sense of understanding. It is not something that can be artificially cultivated and  because of the time it takes, there is a lot of historical behavioural data to compare. It’s like some mysterious frequency that we both work on. Nothing needs to be said, no explaining needs to be done, it’s all there.

Then comes the horrible game of poker in betraying my feelings to an equally emotionally inept target or visa versa and if I internally commit then I’m screwed. Relationships hit some very raw emotions and they send me haywire. Horrid things these emotions are; nervous, excited, vulnerable, and a bunch which don’t have names. My emotional life is in a dark cave, and this exercise essentially sends me rocketing towards The Sun.

Interestingly, the precursor friendships are more like relationships for most of the part. Due to the nature of who and what resonates with me, it seems that we spend most of the time completely oblivious as to what is going on.  It’s like we’re close enough to treat each other as though we’re in a relationship and entering one is a formality. Sometimes I wish they stayed as friendships, but being so close and yet so far is unrelentingly maddening due to the constant calculations of “if”.

Withdrawal is terrible after a relationship fails, regardless of why or when. I never intend to ever give away my psychological independence but for whatever reason, it takes me years to recover. I fall apart, fall out of sync with myself and go through a protracted and rocky process of recovery. Something that is completely illogical and almost inconceivable to me, as normally zero fucks are given if I choose to push someone away. Normally I don’t care, but in this case, the hurt button is mashed to a point that it takes ages to pull myself together. It’s not from a lack of trying, however it’s best described as a little egg timer in my head that suddenly goes off and then I’m over it, albeit years later.

If anyone manages to get through the fortress, they always seem to take my only prized possession; my sanity.